To read the hand written letter click here.
Dear Jude,
It would be so easy to just give in to my anger and hurl nasty words and accusations in return. But I know anger and guilt eat you alive until nothing remains of you that is good or honourable.
It’s taken me two days and nights to read all the way through your letter. I picked up a gastro bug about a week ago that I can’t seem to shake and the cold and damp have played havoc with my back and hand. The doctors warned there was the possibility of arthritis because of the extent of the injuries. I don’t tell you this so you’ll feel sorry for me, but so you understand why this letter will be slow going – even though you will sit and read it in one go.
Who am I?
In the court documents I’m referred to as “The Chameleon” which for all intents and purposes is fucking pretentious… but I didn’t choose it. Who am I now? Who was I five, ten years ago? Who was I back at high school?
I never maliciously withheld details. I never purposely chose not to tell you stuff – especially the things from the last ten years. I just didn’t want to involve you in something that could potentially harm you. I kept it to myself so I knew, no matter what, you would be safe if they ever caught up with me. If they ever managed to trace me right back to the start.
But that’s not answering your question. When I arrived in Piper’s Reach as a teenager, it was the newest upheaval wrought by my mother, who, looking back now, used me to punish her parents for what they’d done to her. The four years before we came, I’d been pulled and pushed and taken and returned. At 11 I ran away from Carol’s and went from one side of Sydney to the other alone to get home. I still have nightmares about child rapists. That’s what I used to dream about when you’d shake me out of sleep and hug me while I cried. I didn’t want you to know.
I just wanted to be normal – with a mum and a dad and a sister in a nice house like you. I wanted to worry about acne, my confusing body, about when the next Dolly magazine came out. I didn’t want to worry about money – to be able to make rent and bills because Mum had no idea how to manage money and couldn’t seem to hold down a job. I didn’t want to worry about coming home and not knowing if my Mum would be passed out with a needle in her arm or dead or what blokes would be hanging around. I didn’t want to worry about being hit or assaulted… of never feeling safe in my own home. Of having no home.
What would you have done if I told you what was in the darkness? To look in the mirror and only ever see a terrified ten-year-old with big, hollow eyes who has just had her world torn apart.
I wanted to be normal. I wanted you to see me as normal. To want you to be with me because I meant something to you. Because I was important and special. To know I was loved and safe. I was only ever the shameful product of my parent’s teenage lust. I didn’t ask to be born and I didn’t ask to be lied to or dragged through drug house after drug house. What would you have done Jude, if it were you? Would you have opened the door and invited me into the damaged bits? If I told you Mike had thumped me (and it wasn’t a text book falling off a shelf) what would you have done?
I didn’t want your fucking permission to stay in Piper’s… I wanted your commitment… I wanted a promise from you: you would love and support me… keep me safe. You were always enough for me, why can’t you see that? It sounds like too much but all it would have taken was a kiss and for you to tell me you loved me and everything would work out in the end… that I would be safe… and I would have believed you. When you held me in your arms, when your folks fed and gave me a bed for the night… I felt safe. And lying on the floor, with you in the aftermath of the blaze of our lust… I felt safe. The life I lived is exhausting… to find peace with you… to wish and hope…
You feel guilt and anger. I feel confused. I don’t deny Saturday night was an indulgence… of seeing what if. And I know I should have stopped you when you unbuttoned my jeans. I could feel the fire in you. The heat waiting to devour me, but I didn’t. I didn’t come to Pipers to seduce you. With your face pressed into my stomach, kissing me, as you struggled out of your jeans, I should have pushed you away. You’d proven the point that you wanted me. I knew now. I could’ve stopped. And when you pulled us back onto the couch, pulled me into your lap and I sunk down on you, I had what I always wanted from you. And I stopped thinking. I stopped fighting, stopped worrying, stopped caring and just let it be.
The way we moved together, the feel of your body sliding against mine, the feel of you inside me, there was nothing else. I wanted nothing else. But I could see you wanted more… kissing my collarbone, my neck and shoulders when we’d both come… asking me to go down on you, make you hard because you weren’t finished and I gave in… I wouldn’t have denied you anything… it was like I finally got to see inside you. All the bits you kept hidden and it intoxicated me.
And I got to see you above me… and no, it wasn’t how I hoped it would be. Your eyes were glazed over, it was like you didn’t even see me… I guess you were seeing me of twenty years ago. I went to the toilet knowing you’d go. Knowing we’d done what we needed to… filled in all the spaces of teenage fantasies.
So why, why Jude…. Why did you come back Sunday?
11:09am
I’ve had a sleep, another vomit, but I’m back out in the kitchen again. Zeke stopped in and lit the fire in here, brought in some wood and badgered me about going to the doctor’s again. He doesn’t understand I can’t go to the doctor and I can’t explain to him why so he can understand. So I’m hiding behind a concocted story about a doctor phobia… bad past experiences.
I lied to you about Coranderk Bend. I didn’t come here to start anew. I came here instead of submitting to the witness protection program. I didn’t trust they could do a better job of keeping me safe than I could. Ava, Matt, Ellie and Zeke and everyone else knows me as someone else… but at the end of the day it’s only a name. In my heart I am Ella-Louise and I always have been. I took the Ella-Louise you saw, that you cared about, who was all the good I had in me and locked her deep inside. Used her as the core on whom to build every other person I’ve been.
Almost six years ago I agreed to go into deep cover… indefinitely, to… I’ll be back. Someone is at the door…
1:39pm
It was Ava. Worried. I’m not doing a very good job at convincing anyone I’m just a bit ill and I’ll be better soon. I agreed to go down to the beach for a walk. The sun on my arms and face felt good after being stuck inside in the dark and dampness. She tried to get out of me what happened at the reunion (again) but I told her nothing. As far as she knows we saw each other, had a dance and a drink, caught up for a BBQ on Sunday and that’s it. I’m usually a consummate liar but I’m sure she sees through me. She can’t understand why I’m freezing Zeke out. She’s never said, but I’m certain, he told her about the night we spent together.
Why would it concern you if I did or didn’t sleep with Zeke or if I do it again? I hadn’t been with a man, of my own volition in years. Under cover work doesn’t really lend itself to personal indulgences. You were my first since uni… the first I chose to be with. I used Zeke to try and feel something again, after you… to do something to take the edge off the pain. I’m not proud… and you know what… I’m not even going to try and justify myself to you. I’m not answerable to you because we slept together. It would be like me holding it against you that you go to bed with your wife every night and ask what does it feel like to be with her now? To suggest your sex life is dead in the water.
Just so we are clear… while we’re airing dirty laundry, I did not betray our friendship by losing my virginity to Damian. If we’d been in a relationship… yes. But we were just friends and you’d made that clear. I may have betrayed your feelings for me, but they were feelings you horded and I’ve no idea why you want to fling my sexual history at me. Surprised you’re not dragging up the night I had with Paul Halligan as well.
Fuck… I don’t even understand why you’re angry with me for all this stuff… Zeke, Damian. It’s like you want to drive the hurt in further. Make me feel dirty and cheap and fucking worthless. Well that was done years ago, Jude.
Shit! I said I wasn’t going to get angry but I don’t understand why I should be conciliatory. Why shouldn’t I say you’ve fucking hurt me – hurt me again. Why shouldn’t I scream your ‘I love yous’ back at you so you fucking choke on them along with your guilt and your anger?
I trusted you Jude. I gave you a girl who adored you, I gave you a woman who offered to stand her distance and honour your marriage vows… I gave all of me to you that Sunday and you took it.
Why can’t you just let me go Jude? Why can’t you just say good-bye? Why do you contradict yourself, your feelings? What do you even feel? What is so difficult about good-bye? Closure? Why did you write again and drag us back through this all again? Why do you want and not want me at the same time? And why do I let you?
Because now I’m alone… my family is gone and you are the closest thing remaining. I let you do this to me because you are the only evidence I ever existed before I took my stupidly noble ideas into the underworld and let it tear me to pieces.
You were the only one who never treated me as expendable. You didn’t use me as a pawn. Now I don’t know.
I’m going back into the darkness soon. What do I want from you? I want someone on the other side. Someone who will hold me in the darkness so it doesn’t consume me. But now, I don’t know. Maybe I should just let it.
Ella-Louise
PS: The kite. You never really let me fly. You’ve held that string, that kite to your chest all these years. You just thought you’d let me go by watching me leave. You’re stuck in the past Jude, you’ve held me there with you all the time. Do you even really know what you want?
9:16pm
Jude…
You have to understand one thing about me. Everything I ever had has been taken from me. I can’t go back to undercover work because of the scars. I don’t want a desk job. I don’t want to train or teach.
I fell through the window when the police raided. Our house was one of a dozen raided. I’d been promised the raid wouldn’t take place while I was home. The shot took me in the shoulder. I’m certain it was intended as a headshot. No one on the team knew they had an officer in there. They kept me under arrest in the hospital. I couldn’t say anything. The officers who guarded me were rude and vile. They threatened all kinds of things out of earshot of the hospital staff.
It took three months to leave hospital. I caught a taxi and had no idea where to go. I checked into a hotel and tried to put a call through to my unit. No one would take my call. A week later someone I’d never met before came and told me I was being transferred out of the drugs unit and putting me on a desk job investigating people smugglers. I told him to get fucked, I’d renounce any evidence I’d provided against the Francos. The next day someone else came and offered me protection. One of the other deep cover officers had been shot dead. I told him to get fucked too.
When I arrived in Coranderk I had only just stopped walking with assistance. I don’t need anyone to fix me Jude. I’ve been putting myself back together all year. Trying to make sense of a life that seems wasted. Trying to decide if I’ll go and testify.
This is who I am. This is who Ella-Louise became.
I’m going to re-post my original comment that I left on FB yesterday, and then I’ll continue with more thoughts…
One of the things I love so much about this novel in letters is the release of details to reveal the deeper characters. Reminds me of LOST and how those characters, and their motives, are revealed, one flashback at a time.
I am absolutely cursed with seeing the points made by Jude and EL. With each new letter, I find myself saying, “YEAH! WHAT S/HE SAID!” And of course, that’s not right. Eventually, I’m going to have to take a side.
Or maybe not. Maybe that’s the point. That we’re all struggling with trying to be the best people we can be with the decisions we’ve made in our lives. And, in the process, we’re all trying so desperately to hold on to something — the past, the present, maybe even what never was in the first place.
So much more to say about this letter (really, the volley of the last two), but I’ll wait for others to chime in. (but please do so soon so we can all chat some more about this latest letter!)
Once again, I tip my hat to both you and Jodi Cleghorn for this incredible serial pub. Loving every letter that you release!
“I am absolutely cursed with seeing the points made by Jude and EL.”
I think that is such a stunning point to make Rus. We often only ever see one side of a situation or if we see both, we’re coloured by our feelings of one or both parties. And if we “see” it are we really getting to the guts of it – how open and honest are people really when it comes to the tough stuff.
To be able in ingest both points of view without taking a side I think makes you quite special Rus!
I think the format of the letters allows for so much more to be said that might normally have. And that there is a voyeuristic nature to reading and watching the drama play out (we affectionately call it “woe-mance” in our household!)
I think the other point is, if you leave the moral nitpicking aside – neither Jude nor Ella-Louise are inherently bad and neither of them set out to purposely hurt or goad each other. They’ve made mistakes and decisions as best they could at the time. Perhaps they weren’t always great ones… especially the most recent ones at the reunion… but they are both complicit in it. No one is dragging the other along behind kicking and screaming. Neither are innocent but I think as the letters roll out we’ll have our ideas of who is really the naive between the two.
We’ll also see in the coming letters them unpick their relationship to try to better understand it.
and here’s my follow-up: I’m really trying to figure out how Jude reacts to this one: more guilt? The desire to reunite to have a more “platonic” discussion? A new chance at changing their history and leaving each other on better terms so they can each go on with their lives? A sort of re-booting, perhaps? Or will he be pissed at her for fighting back so strongly and make some kind of attempt –feeble at best– to end it?
One of the reasons why I am so enthralled with this correspondence is because, in season 2, each character is going to a level that few of us have ever ventured in old relationships lacking closure. I liken this to a 15-round boxing match, and there will be no knockouts. We are in round 3 or 4; the gloves are coming off, but we still have no idea what these two contenders will look like by round 15, and if they are both still standing by the time the final bell sounds. We just know that, from ringside, they are fighting one of the greatest battles that we’ve never had the courage to fight.
Ok. I’ve said enough for the moment…. next?
It really is like going 15 rounds… and I would suggest that it is without a clear winner at the end of each round. As soon as one smack down gains traction there is one with equal velocity in return. These first four letters are incendiary – pushing both Jude and EL right out of the comfort zone. You can almost feel the building and brewing that must have gone on in that month of silence after The Reunion.
I have said that this series pulls people in because it is an invitation to be a voyeur. And yes, few of us venture for authentic closure, especially 20 years after the fact. And I think the thing here is… do these two even want closure?
I’d love to know what everyone thinks?
At this point in time, as the person riding shotgun with EL.. I can’t even say I know.
And as for what round 15 will look… I can’ tell you honestly, I have no idea. Every time I think I know what is going on, it twists and shifts again into unknown terrain.
Wow!
Hopeful this post comes through!
Craig
We’re receiving you loud and clear Craig… bring it on. Looking forward to hearing what you have to say.
I’ve only read a few letters, so I’m pleased I’ve picked up some details on my own and this letter confirms a few things. I get so uneasy at the precarious nature of infidelity and unresolved issues – and you both are champions at making this a high-wire act!
“High-wire act”…. we need to grab you for our PR team Deane!
I promise we’ll have Season One packaged up into a reader friendly package sooner rather than later so you can catch up on all the original letters. Would be interested to know how those original letters read when read in a backward fashion to the overall narrative.
If I was your publicist I would describe PPR as “A high wire act by two naked souls, with everything to lose, and for all the world to see!”
I’ll send you a business card… which includes the title “Enviable Smarty Pants With Words”.
In Jude’s last letter I wondered if EL might be pregnant. Now I’m thinking it even more. You could be playing with the reader’s minds, creating more possibilities with each letter.
I’m thinking way ahead of myself and possibly even the writers. I foresee EL trying to evade the bad guys with an expanding belly. I even wondered if the writers might kill EL off soon after giving birth, leaving Jude with a living connection to her as there would be nobody else to look after the baby.
I know I’m probably way off track, but I think that just shows how much us readers have emotionally invested in the project.
Can’t wait for the next letter.
Love that how in the beginning, Jodi and I were months in advance of our readers, and we could follow their reaction to the unfolding narrative.
Now we are almost writing concurrently with our readers, and their involvement in discussing the characters and suggestions about “What if…” makes for great fodder for where we might take the narrative. We still don’t talk about what might happen, but the increased understanding we have of our characters through the discourse with our readers makes the depth of story telling more interesting and more of a challenge.
You’ve probably stated this elsewhere – but do you guys have a mantra or key phrase you use to guide your overall direction. For example, PB & PJ, when doing the LOTR screenplay used the filter of “does it move the ring closer to the mountain” when deciding what to keep, and what to toss.
Do you two have some sort of boundaries or filter that acts as a limiter – rules even (I assume you can’t break up permanently would be a rule)…?
I imagine as this gets closer to real time, some of those limits might keep you on track?
I have to admit that being this close to the readership is really challenging… the thrill of (almost) instantaneous feedback that can change directions or refine decisions. I have to admit to have a bit blather session with Laura earlier this week to try and untangle EL’s mess in my head.
But at the same time, I know horribly conscious of how much people are into this, their expectations of it all… and all the time worrying that I can’t keep it up. I hadn’t written EL for almost a month and when I sat down to write, all I could think of was: have I got her voice right?
This letter is going to be inspected, dissected, discussed and all of that heaps a load of responsibility.
That said, now I have crossed the immediate hurdles of shifting EL into a new space and setting up the rest of Season Two… I can appreciate how being this close to the readership and how it is almost happening concurrently, really adds depth and enjoyment (as well as unprecedented levels of engagement for a writer) of the entire process. And makes me grateful – after all we started this off at teh start of the years as something that might be a bit of fun – something different! The next mad concept to roll out to see if it would work!
There are many of these “What ifs…” now. How will Jude react? Will his wife find the letters?
Will someone from EL’s undercover past find the letters or a trace of her? Will it be the good or the bad guys?
I like the way that EL’s past has been described, working in a very similar field I have seen people fall under the spell of the “bad guys” and also seen people such as her left “high and dry” by those who should protect her after putting her in that situation. The empty, blank feeling Jodi has written is not far from what occurs.
Does Jude really know what depths he has gotten into????
Craig you made me day when I picked your comment up this morning. I had a horrible tickling in the back of my head as I was mapping this out in my head, that what I was creating for EL was totally unrealistic… that this would not actually happen to someone. Now I have your affirmation it is mostly spot on.
When I write EL… it is like being a channel, to some extent. And all I could feel from her, was as you articulated, bleakness. How the hell do you bounce back from that. Not just the betrayal of your colleagues, but do it as you’re physically putting yourself back together. (I promise there is more of this in coming weeks!)
And all the time, as this is going on, you’re putting forth a sunny-ish personae to someone you love and care about… who you probably just want to gush the truth to but knowing all the time that to share the truth would drag them closer to the danger.
Honestly – I believe Jude has no bloody idea what he’s gotten himself into and I can suggest that even after EL says all this – he’s still pretty much clueless about what it all means. And the fact he should never have encouraged EL to come to the Reunion.
While Barb said earlier this week on FB that EL was being a bit of a prick-tease in saying she wouldn’t go to the reunion, then turning up in Piper’s then saying she wouldn’t go to the event then turning up at the event… I think it is a good demonstration of the precarious two-step dance her and Jude are in… with EL knowing what is a stake but needing Jude anyway.
I forgot to mention that I love it when EL says things like: “Why can’t you just let me go Jude?” and then spends the next several sentences telling him why he shouldn’t, and what she really wants. It’s the sort of thing a therapist or counselor might pick up on – but this is written clearly enough we can see through EL’s ‘reverse psychology’ / plea for help.
That’s the sort of detail that makes EL more lifelike and easy (easier anyway, she’s complicated) to relate to.
Yep – EL is complicated. I have been living with her now since the first week in January and every time I think I’ve got my head around her, I find out I really don’t know much at all.
Sounds kinda weird given it is me who writes her… but she’s the one pushing the pen!
EL has both a law and psychology degree – she totally knows how the human mind words (and how to manipulate people to get what she wants!) The thing for me is… she knows exactly why she can’t let go for Jude. He and his family are the closest thing she has to family now. It’s not just the fact they are an artifact of her life before becoming an under cover officer. But why he won’t let her go is a mystery…after all these years, and all the angst and guilt and the rest of it… why the hell doesn’t he just walk away from her. Would that not be the easiest and most sensible course of action?
Is it a plea for help? Or is it a means to try and understand just where she fits in Jude’s life? I guess it’s everyone’s guess how important that is to her at this point in time?
The greatest actors all have a strangely common detail (don’t believe me? then watch any James Lipton celebrity interview) – Many actors are great at being someone else, but struggle to be or know themselves. EL is ‘The Chameleon’ – she can assume any form or role, and manipulate others in a complimentary way to achieve her goals – but like so many actors, she doesn’t seem to know who she ‘really is’ – and her talents are the result of being ‘everyone else’ in the meantime.
This is how I see the core of her character – and why she might be trying to start over from the beginning. But if Jude wasn’t strong enough then, what makes him strong enough now? And as much as we embrace nostalgia (considered a mental disease up until the mid 20th century) we can never truly recover the past – only bits of what we think the past was.
That’s such a fragile construct, I suspect it won’t hold long and may be EL’s downfall.
I see her as vulnerable – and she needs something greater (stronger) than herself to rebuild her life on.
Forget who EL is running from, the unreliable Jude may reveal a far deadlier pitfall – like a gaping sinkhole you can’t see because your not facing reality.